


The Coffee Shop Enterprise

by FlorenceofArabia



Category: Star Trek, Star Trek: Alternate Original Series (Movies), Star Trek: The Original Series
Genre: Alternate Universe - Coffee Shops & Cafés, Alternate Universe - Hipsters, Bickering, Gen, Karaoke, Mirror Universe, Recreational Drug Use, Romulans, San Francisco, Silly, Sitcom, Why is Khan White?
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-11-29
Updated: 2014-11-29
Packaged: 2018-02-27 10:40:54
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 5,664
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2689796
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/FlorenceofArabia/pseuds/FlorenceofArabia
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>You know that SNL skit where the Enterprise is a restaurant and Khan tries to shut it down? Well this is basically that only with a coffee shop.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Wrath of John

"Can I get some coffee?" The barista raised one dark straight eyebrow at McCoy's request

"That is not a logical question as this is a coffee shop, perhaps you intended to..."

"Damn you and your Vulcan logic. I'm hungover as fuck and I'm supposed to be at work"

"Bones you work here. Man you must have had one hell of a night. Spock get him an espresso will you?" This came from Jim Kirk, owner of the coffee shop Enterprise who was in the middle of a very long drawn out internal debate as to whether he should take his beanie off or not. It was one of those San Francisco days that can jump from 50 to 70 degrees depending on where the fog feels like coming in. Ultimately he settled for off while his friend groaned melodramatically.

"I was out with Scotty last night...god why doesn't he freaking marry scotch if he loves it so much? By the way can I just get some black coffee instead of espresso?"

"Very good Leonard, or do you prefer "Bones"?" He had gotten this nickname thanks to the tattoos of parts of the skeleton that he had running up and down his arms, it had seemed like a good idea in med school.

"Call me whatever you want just as long as you make me something hot and strong" As he said this Pavel Chekov came bounding in. Pavel was a Russian exchange student who did social networking and assorted computer stuff for them in return for free coffee and pastries.

"Good mornink!"

"Hey Jailbait whats up?"

"Don't call him that!" Said the girl with the long dark hair and longer legs who came in on his heels"

"I don't mind Nyota" said the teenager "Jim I was wonderink if I could put 'Intern at Enterprise' on my resumé?"

"Of course you can...you're right I never thought of it that way before but you are our intern. Actually what you should do is write down us and make up some other places. Then you just give them like Spock and Bones' numbers so if they call for references..."

"No Jim!" Said Uhura putting her arm around Chekov "Pasha don't listen to him or do anything he says"

"Cen I steel say to prostpeektive employer theet I am an intern here?"

"Of course you can... but only because its true" corrected Uhura

"How do you want your coffee this morning?" Jim asked her "Smoking hot just like you?"

"You won't be able to make any because the machine is totally turned off, just like me"

"Oh snap, Jim you just got owned" laughed McCoy who realized too late that he was not in any condition to be laughing

"Miss Uhura I fail to understand. The coffee machine is indeed turned on..." said Spock puzzled

"She was insulting me Spock. He doesn't get your humor like I do Nyota" said Jim winking at her and getting an eye roll in return.

"Hey is that open mic thing still on for tonight?" asked McCoy who had finally gotten his coffee and was somewhat revived

"Yeah its still on. Also the health inspector's coming over sometime today, so everyone try and act sanitary" answered Jim "But yeah open mic...our very own Spock will be performing songs he wrote for the Vulcan lute! So when he gets discovered and makes it big and OD's we'll be able to say he started here"

"Oh cool, I wasn't going to come but if you're playing I'll be there" Said Uhura to Spock who didn't seem to hear

"Dude" whispered Jim "She totally has a crush on you."

"Illogical"

"I know, she should have a crush on me" Spock thought it high time to change the topic

"Why did you ask Leonard? Are you performing?"

"Yeah, spoken word"

"That means he's going to rant at us. By the way how is Chris and Scotty's thing going? Weren't they talking about forming a band?"

McCoy snorted "They don't practice or anything. They just sit around and complain about how music was better twenty years ago. Its not a band its a collective midlife crisis..."

"Says the guy who quit being a doctor to work as a barista and hang out with college drop outs." Snarked Jim "Also you shouldn't be so rough on Chris. He had to do a lot of readjusting after the divorce and the accident. Romulans should not be allowed to get drivers licenses, I'm just saying"

"Hey thats speciesist!"

"What its true!"

Spock nodded "I am with Jim on this one and Vulcans and Romulans are related."

"Anyway" Uhrura said frustrated to be ganged up on "Spock dropped out of the prestigious Vulcan Science Academy to pursue other things.You didn't drop out, you were kicked out. When am I going to get my coffee?"

"Thanks for the little reminder Nyota. Deans these days pretend to be so "with it" but you let a few tribbles loose..."

"Oh it was not a "few" tribbles." she interrupted

"It was at first. By the way aren't you here a little earlier than usual?"

Nyota groaned "I just want to be able to study for my big Klingon test without having to listen to really loud sex noises. I have the roommate from hell"

"I was under the impression that she was from Orion" said Spock

"No she's from hell. She is always bringing guys over, she wanders around naked, and she used my electric toothbrush as a vibrator once" This last detail caused McCoy to do a spit take.

"Hold on" burst out Jim "Gaila's having sex right now? I didn't know we had an open relationship"

"Any relationship with Gaila is an open relationship and you were just flirting with me."

"She said she loved me" said Kirk dejectedly

"Yeah, she was saying that to Scotty when I left" Uhura knew she shouldn't be enjoying this as much as she was but she felt that she had a right to be immature too.

"Scotty!"

"And last week she said that to your ex-stepdad. I hope he didn't know about you two" She really would have to do this being immature thing more often. It was fun.

"Hey! Just because my mom is a flake doesn't make Christopher Pike...uh...not my dad"

"He's not your dad, he's your ex-stepdad. Which makes it all the more mysterious that he supports your lazy ass."

At this point the door to the shop opened to reveal a young man with disheveled dark hair and a video camera

"Hey Hikaru" said a few people at the same time.

"Aw shit, we're wearing the same flannel" said Kirk as he looked up at the newcomer

"So are we" pointed out Spock inwardly pleased that he'd gotten it in blue rather than yellow like Sulu and Kirk. Though he could have sworn McCoy also had the same shirt in blue but of course McCoy wouldn't be caught dead in the same outfit as Spock so he never wore it.

"You guys all go to Urban Outfitters together?" Spock would have replied that he and Jim always went shopping together, because that was what best friends did (or so Jim said, but Jim also seemed to think it was normal for best friends to hold hands in public and make out when they had a few too many and Spock wasn't really sure about this.)

"Oh real original Nyota" said Hikaru "make an Urban Outfitters joke. There aren't a lot of options for fashionable men who aren't prepsters or skater douches"

"Nyota!" piped up Chekov to ward off the argument he knew was coming "Don't you pley the Wulcan lute? Eend sing?"

"You do?" asked Kirk "Come to open mic tonight"

"I can't I don't have anything ready."

"Aw come on! We need more people, especially since Hikaru decided his true passion was for filmmaking and bailed on that performance art piece."

"I thought your real passion was competitive fencing" Said Spock

"I thought it was botany" said McCoy

"Well now its filmmaking" Said Sulu brightly "Which brings me to my question Jim. Can I put my camera on that shelf over there and..."

"No" Said Spock and McCoy at the same time

"Take footage and turn it into..."

"No"

"A slice of life..."

"No"

"Documentary"

"No"

"Spock! Len! Jim what do you think?" Pleaded Hikaru

"I think its a cool idea, and this is my coffee..."

"Its your ex-stepdad's"

"Its my and my dad's coffee shop. But I'm in charge while he's recuperating..."

"With your girlfriend" coughed Bones

"So I say we put this camera up"

Sulu jumped on a chair and managed to set the camera discreetly into a decorative bookcase, plugging the power cord into an outlet at the base of the lamp before turning it on.

"I'm pretty sure this is illegal" grumbled McCoy

"Oh shut up Bones" Just as Jim was admonishing his friend another man came into the coffee shop and this time the whole room when silent.

"So we meet again Kirk" said the stranger in an English accent

"KKKKKHHHHHHHAAAAAANNNNNNNN!"

"Yes it is me Khan Noonian Singh"

"If your name is Khan Noonien Singh than why are you white?"

"Oh my god Hikaru, you can't just ask people why they're white"

"You may have noticed that since last we met I became a health inspector" he gestured with his clipboard. "So now it will be my pleasure to shut down this coffee shop once and for all. Once I'm through writing up this place and maybe planting some evidence Enterprise will be quarantined as a biohazard. Revenge is mine Kirk!"

Jim turned away from Khan and gestured to his friends so huddle up. Spock and McCoy formed their usual power trio and begun to think.

"This is bad Jim. Way worse than the time we ran out of soy milk and almond milk on the same day"

"But we got through that. Remember Bones? And we can get through this too. We just have to find a solution. Your assessment Spock?"

"I believe we have encountered a no win situation" replied the Vulcan

"I don't believe in those" Returned Kirk

"What about the time we ran out of soy milk and almond milk and regular milk and pecan milk?"

"Ok, that was a no win situation, but this is different." he admitted

"I'm afraid not"

"You and your accursed logic, we can't just give up the coffee shop!" Said McCoy finally fed up

"Then what do you suggest?"

"Can we bribe the bastard?"

"No he's too hell bent on revenge...wait I have the answer!" Kirk turned around dramatically "Well Khan, you seem to have the upper hand"

"I do because I'm better than you" Said Khan with as much smugness as humanly possible

"Wow, I can see all those genetic enhancements left you with the mentality of a five year old schoolyard bully" Piped up Uhura

"Would a five year old know this? "From my heart I stab at..."

"So you read Moby Dick in high school English big whoop" shrugged Sulu

"I read it on my own time! Also we don't have high school in England its called..."

"I thought you were Indian?" asked Chekov confused

"We're all puzzled by that one"

Khan was getting angry now "Mock me while you can but I have your shop!"

"We're all laughing at your superior intellect" said Kirk "What you don't know is that we have been recording everything you've been saying on video camera. All we have to do is turn it in to your bosses and not only won't you have this shop but you won't have a job when we're finished"

"Curses! You have defeated me"

"But I will be merciful. I won't expose you on one condition"

"What is that?"

"You sing kareoke tonight at open mic!"


	2. Open Mic Night

Though Jim always liked to see the bright side of things he had to admit that open mic night was not going well. Part of it he knew was because of the raging ion storm outside but even if more people had come the acts wouldn't have been improved. Though Chris and Scotty lacked polish they weren't totally untalented musicians despite what Bones continued to assert. Even though Spock was undoubtedly a talented performer with the Vulcan lute (which Bones at least admitted) his songwriting left galaxies to be desired. Apparently this was a species wide problem that stemmed from a combination of emotional control, Vulcans not really having break ups, and the fact that neither Standard nor Vulcan had many words that rhymed with "logic". After his performance (for which only Uhura clapped to a yell of "Go Spock!" from Jim) Spock came over to where Kirk and McCoy were sitting. Uhura rolled her eyes and begun to make her excuses to Sulu who tried to subtly make the case that there were a lot of nice men out there who didn't hold hands and exchange long meaningful stares with their best friend. This only seemed to have the effect of making her bury her face in her hands and groan something about Vulcan kissing, but she didn't leave so he decided that it was a small victory.

"How did you enjoy my performance Jim…" asked Spock with what would be a mixture of terror and excitement…if he had emotions that is…which he definitely didn't

"Hello! I'm here too damn it!" Interjected McCoy

Spock just ignored him "What did you think of my performance? Be totally honest. I, after all, have no ego to bruise"

"Well…um…. You have a big vocabulary and that's great…but sometimes you need to be a little…catchier. Like that song you wrote about your ex T'Pring; instead of calling it "I Found It Illogical That You Would Prefer That Other Male To Me, Especially Since We Were Intended For Each Other, And So Your Actions Made My Pon Farr Exceedingly Unpleasant" well that…um…" Kirk just kind of shrugged

"That is an accurate assessment of what happened!" Spock looked like he was about to cry

"Yeah but Spock…" Kirk was trying to tread carefully here "Most song titles are like one or two words because no one will remember two sentences. The only reason I know the whole thing is because I wrote it down on a napkin"

Despite Spock's earlier claim that he had no ego to bruise he was not taking Kirk's honest assessments very well. Someone with a little more tact might have seen this coming but Jim just kept talking.

"Also I think it was too specific, not a lot of have had their pon farr ruined like that but everyone's been dumped and I'm pretty sure most people have been cheated on at some point…"

"Especially if you were involved"

"Hey! Anyway so if you focus more on the universal than…" What focusing on the universal would do for the song was never explained because at that moment Spock yelled something and started punching Jim. This would have turned into a no holds barred beat down if not for McCoy and Pike.

"Are you out of your Vulcan mind!" yelled Bones as Spock stood breathing heavily and Sulu looked warily at Uhura.

"My songwriting is extremely personal to me" said Spock not making eye contact with anyone

"So? Jim was just trying to help and he has been nothing but supportive." Said Scotty

"Also he was giving you genuine constructive criticism" Interjected McCoy "Not just passive aggression being especially passive aggressive by calling itself constructive criticism. Do you know how rare that is? Its like a unicorn that craps dilithium crystals."

Jim rubbed his chin where a bruise was starting to develop

"I'm going to the bathroom to clean up and check the damage. Who wants to go next? Nyota are you sure…"

"For the 200th time NO! I don't have anything prepared and I'm only here to support Spock…and because my roommate is having an orgy in our apartment with the entire Starfleet University football team."

"Gaila!"

"Ë-moë not zis again"

"Yes Scotty" said Uhura

"But she said she loved me!"

"That's what she was telling the football team when I left"

"I feel like that word might mean something different on her home planet." mused Sulu

"How did she fit all those people into your tiny apartment?" asked Jim

"Trust me you don't want to know…actually you're enough of a pervert that you probably do" Jim smirked and left for the toilets and McCoy got up on the stage to continue the evening's entertainment.

"Hi, I'm Leonard McCoy. Damn it I'm a doctor not a writer…well I used to be. Anyway I had a lot of feelings and things to work through after the divorce and…uh…I wrote this. It's a lyric essay…" There were some groans from the audience.

"Fine then! You know what this is what I get for thinking it was a good idea to share my inner pain and suffering with a bunch of people who clearly have the emotional sensitivity of a bunch of Vulcan sandworms!"

"Come on lad, don't be like that"

"Yeah come on Bones! We want to hear it" said Uhura

"Ok well…if you want me to…" McCoy pulled out a flask and took a long swig and thus fortified was going to begin again when Kirk returned from the bathroom, but it wasn't Jim Kirk as they knew him. This Kirk stood glaring at all of them and instead of a grey V-neck he sported a tacky sparkly gold vest with no shirt underneath. No sooner had Not-Kirk appeared then he looked around and exclaimed

"What is everyone doing sitting around? Get back to work slaves or else I'll take away your drinking privileges and you'll have to go to Starbucks…what the hell this isn't my shop"

"Vat is vrong with Starbucks?" whispered Chekov

"Nothing, we're just supposed to hate it because we work at an independent coffee store." said Sulu

"You all right son?" asked Pike

"Don't call me that, you're not my dad"

"Who are you and what have you done with James T. Kirk?" yelled Spock

"My name is Tiberius! Also how is Pike even alive, everyone knows I killed him a few years ago so I could inherit his money." He shook his head confused and irritated

"Screw this I'm out of here" and with that Not-Kirk walked back into the bathroom. Everyone was silent for a moment

"Scotty did you spike our beverages again?" Asked McCoy

"I keep tellin' ye that was just a wee accident!"

"Its not a "wee accident" if someone almost gets impaled by a certain fencer under the delusion he's a musketeer and Uhura is his "fair maiden". That is a major accident in my book." grumbled McCoy

"Sorry"

"Its not your fault Sulu"

At this point Kirk, regular Kirk that is, came stumbling out of the bathroom

"Jim!" cried Spock who looked like he was about to hug his friend before realizing that everyone was looking and blushing green a little.

"Hey guys did anyone notice the parallel universe in our bathroom before?" said Kirk a little dazed

"No, cleaning the toilets is the McCoy's job"

"It is not! Its Chekov's"

"I thought Christine did zat"

"No one told me anything" yelled Christine Chapel from across the room "I got the impression Mr. Pike took care of that"

"I own the place, for crying out loud. The whole point of being in charge is that you don't have to clean the toilets.…also do I know you from somewhere? Did you used to have black hair by any chance?"

"No, I don't think we've met before"

"Anyway" continued Pike "I thought Sulu was in charge of maintenance "

"The bathrooms are Janice Rand's territory"

"Who?" Asked Pike

"Some chick Jim hired. I don't remember the last time she showed up for work" Answered McCoy

"Does Nyota work hir too?" asked Chekov

"Yes actually…"

"Guys!" Yelled Jim "Did anything happen when I was in the toilets?"

"Zis guy came out who looked just like you eend called himself Tiberius…" said Chekov bouncing up and down a little

"And he was wearing a really gaudy vest, I don't even think it was ironic" commented Sulu

"And he actually recognizes that Chris isn't your dad" Both Kirk and Pike protested loudly at this one but Nyota didn't pay them any heed.

"He must be from the other universe in the bathroom. It's awful you guys! The place is a dump, we serve drugs as well as coffee, there was a dead guy in the bathroom, Spock has a gross beard and they were playing Nickelback really loud." Said Jim. Spock shivered, he didn't like the idea of himself with a beard, his jawline was too nice for that.

"So I take it you didn't enjoy your time there in the Evil Universe" Uhura said this in a mock spooky voice.

"It was evil! They even self identify as evil. Go over there and look at the menu. It says "Evil Espresso", "Evil Macchiato", "Evil Chia Tea Latte"…you get the picture"

"Well we're glad to have you back Jim…I mean as our boss of course, the shop would suffer without you…and…um…I'm sorry for earlier"

"Its ok Spock, just as long as you know that all I ever want to do is help you"

"Oh for crying out loud would you guys just kiss already?" Blurted McCoy. As soon as he said this the door opened to reveal none other than their old enemy Khan Noonien Singh.

"I am here! As I am a man of honor I shall take your punishment. I have come to sing karaoke."

"Oh good, we've got some songs lined up for you" Grinned Kirk

"Such as?"

"You like Britney Spears, right Khan?"


	3. The Undiscovered Customer

"These are the voyages of the Coffee Shop Enterprise. If our parents continue to support us we will explore new blends, seek out new clientele and boldly go where no one has gone before…because how totally mainstream would it be to go where everyone else had gone before?"

"Laddy, I think ye got the right idea but ye sound pretty unprofessional."

"I was going for edgy," said Jim trying to conceal his disappointment that Scotty was clearly unimpressed

"That is where people make their worst mistakes. Ye cannae sound more desperate than when your trying to be edgy."

"Bones what do you think?"

"I'm a doctor not an advertising executive!"

"Spock, your opinion?"

"Why do you insist on soliciting my feedback on matters that you have clearly made up your mind about?"

Kirk smiled, that remark was so dang…well so dang Spock he couldn't help it. All he said was; "Gives me emotional security"

"I think its pretty lame," said Uhura as she strolled past on her way to the bathroom

"No one asked you." Said Kirk "Though since you're my number one critic I do like hearing from you too. Once I manage to do something that you can't snark at I will know that I have achieved my purpose in life." Uhura smiled a little at this and walked into the Ladies Room

"Hey Nyota, be careful in there!" Once the door closed he sighed. "I just feel like we need a reboot"

"Didn't we just reboot it?" Asked Scotty

"We need to re-re-boot it or something"

"Maybe we need to return to our original image. Funkier, more idiosyncratic."

"I just feel like right now we're very generic and…"

"Damn it Jim! Stop being meta and focus on your product, this conversation doesn't even make sense"

"Hey you're the one who said meta, that officially makes you the one being meta here" Jim stopped and slung the towel he'd been using over his shoulder "Did I just blow your mind right there?"

"No, you just proved that you took media studies before you got kicked out of Starfleet U."

"You're right, I just suppose I'm in kind of a funk."

"You know what's good for that?" chimed in Sulu "Medical marijuana, In And Out Burger, and Extreme Space Hoarders. Chris still has a pretty good sized stash right?"

"I think so"

"Well what are you waiting for?" Asked Hikaru

"Bones, Spock, are you guys coming? Someone want to duck into the ladies and see if Uhura wants to come? Also make sure she hasn't been sucked into a parallel universe"

"I'm sick of Space Hoarders. Can we watch Craziest Bat'leth accidents?" Responded Bones "And before you say anything Spock no we are not going to look up "sehlats mating" on YouTube again"

"What about cheesy Romulan soap operas?" asked Sulu "I got a bunch of bootleg dvd's that I burned from this friend of mine who went hitchhiking around the Neutral Zone."

"You do realize that those shows you watch are not soap operas." Spock pointed out "To Romulans they is not "cheesy" or over the top but in fact are considered understated dramas."

"Well whatever they are lets go watch some!" Yelled Jim as he led his friends toward the door.

"Who's going to watch the store lad?"

"You want to make some extra cash Scotty?"

"I donne know how to work the espresso machine, I just do the bookkeeping."

"Just tell people its broken." Said Sulu "That's what I do when I'm too hi…I mean when I um…forget how it works…that happens sometimes. I have a learning disability…"

"Yeah sure you do Hikaru" McCoy put his thumb and index finger together directly in front of his mouth and inhaled audibly

"Right Len, because you always make really great lifestyle choices"

"Also Leonard, your errors are compounded by your being a poor role model for the young people you associate with" Spock's face did nothing to clarify whether or not this was meant to be sarcastic but regardless McCoy growled something and grabbed Spock in an affectionate headlock before ruffling his hair and letting him go.

"The nerve of you Spock." Cried Jim "Bones is a great role model"

"Also if we're going to play that game I can think of an allegedly responsible adult who's done a lot more damage." Responded the doctor

"I just want to make it clear that I did not introduce any of these boys to scotch, they found that all on their own."

"No Scotty, I was talking about…" Bones point towards the ceiling and the offices of the company's owner.

"Chris? Are you kidding?"

"He's the one we're getting the weed from for this afternoon's bout of slaking"

"You sound like my mom" grumbled Jim

"Who left the guy, for a reason Jim" Kirk didn't really know how to respond to that and didn't have to because an exceedingly flustered Chekov came running in at that moment.

"Out of my way, out of my way! I heev important information!"

"Chekov what is it?" The kid looked nervously from Kirk to Spock and back again

"You're not goink to like zis"

vvvvvvvvv

Jim walked up the stairs that lead to the rooms upstairs where Chris and Scotty worked when they were actually working. He had his own office but he'd only insisted on it to impress Uhura and since it hadn't worked he now just used the room for storage. As he approached his stepfather's office he heard the tail end of a phone conversation through the half open door

"Oh so you're suggesting that you actually managed to trade down from me? Is that what you're saying" This was followed by a pause

"So George Kirk, I'm sorry Saint George Kirk dies on you in the most noble fashion of course and on the rebound you marry this looser and then after you've divorced this guy you actually manage to find yourself a bigger looser! Congratulations you found yourself a bigger looser than Christopher Pike! The way you talk about me I could have sworn that wasn't possible but you did it!"

There was another long pause before Pike responded in a very different tone "I'm sorry Winona, I didn't mean it. Of course I'm not happy that you're getting divorced. Should I tell Jim?...How is he? He's great; he's working on some kind of new marketing campaign for the store..." There was another pause "Girlfriend? No, he's got a boyfriend actually…well I think so. It's not Facebook official or anything but everyone else says they're a couple. A Vulcan called Spock. He's quiet and sort of weird, but he's a nice kid…yeah I didn't think so either." Another period of silence "Well bye Winona, I'll talk to you later…love you" At this point Jim was trying to process the conflicting reactions and emotions that this conversation was producing when Pike opened the door almost hitting him.

"God I'm sorry. I didn't see you there…um…how much of that did you hear?"

"The part where mom is getting a divorce from Frank."

"Mmhm…" Christopher made a very noncommittal sound waiting for Jim to say something else

"And the part where you said Spock was weird, he's not weird he's just from another planet!"

"Jim…"

"No one understands him!" Blurted out Kirk. His stepfather put up his hands in a defensive gesture.

"Jim, I'm sorry I insulted your boyfriend…I like him, I really do."

"He's not my boyfriend"

"But all your friends seem to think…never mind. Son, what you do with your sex life is your business as long as you remember two things, there is no known cure for Andorian herpes and your mother and I are too young to be grandparents. Why did you come up here in the first place, aside from eavesdropping?"

"You are totally old enough to be a grandfather, chicks may buy that line about you being 51 but I know better, I've seen your passport. As to why I'm up here…I thought I should tell you…um…Nero's back in town."

"WHAT?" Jim knew that this wasn't going to be pretty. Nero was a Romulan who owned a couple of nightclubs in downtown San Francisco. He was primarily known for his penchant for property damage and unfortunate facial tattoos. Last year one of his cocaine fuelled benders had ended in his running over Christopher three or four times and claiming it had something to do with his dead wife. His wife of course turned out to be very much alive and sued him for divorce.

"How is Nero back in town? I thought he got a 25 year sentence?"

"Well it turns out that the guy who ran you over was Future!Nero…oh you can't tell because I said that but that was an exclamation mark tag…"

"What?"

"You know like alwaysagirl!Kirk"

"Is there something you need to tell me, son?"

"The point is that that Nero is from the future and he is still in prison but this Nero is from this time and according to Spock you can't be tried twice for the same crime so…" Chris nodded pensively and Kirk was hopeful that this might not be a problem, until his stepfather actually responded

"Fine then, I'm just going to have to run him over."

vvvvvvvvvv

"So you managed to talk Chris out of committing vehicular homicide and you got that Horta out of the bathroom, nice" Congratulated McCoy as he counted the money in the till.

"That's why they call me The Captain"

"But no one calls you that." Asked Spock, genuinely puzzled

"Wouldn't it be cool if they did, besides I want a cool nickname like yours Bones"

"Well hate to break it to you kid, but you don't get to choose your nickname"

"I would still have liked to keep the Horta. She could have been our mascot" Spock asked rather wistfully. Jim made sure to look away from his Vulcan manager to avoid the puppy dog eyes he knew were being turned on him.

"Damn it man she spit acid at two of our costumers who tried to go in there! You're only sticking up for her because you claim she loved your ears" Spock blushed green and Jim was just about to say that everyone loved Spock's ears but stopped when he realized that this was probably the reason that everyone thought that they were dating. Not that he minded himself of course, he just didn't want Spock to hear anything from Chris and think that Jim had been talking about him like a conquest. Bones interrupted his thoughts;

"Hey Jim…McCoy to Kirk!"

"Kirk here"

"How did you get Chris to give up his desire for revenge?"

"I had Sulu get him really stoned so now he's completely confused."

"Excuse me" interjected Spock "But is that not rather a temporary solution?"

"Of course it is but we have to buy some time while we try and think about what to do about Nero"

"Is it necessary to do anything about Nero since in this incarnation he has committed no offense."

"I don't care what timeline this is, he's still the asshole who ran over Chris. Also I don't want my stepdad to do something stupid and get in trouble." McCoy rolled his eyes

"And what was I saying earlier about bad role models?" Jim glared at him

"Alright, hold your horses Jimmy boy. I'm on your side here. Also I might know something about a certain illegal substance that you can buy at the establishments he owns…a certain blue substance. So if you wanted to call up a certain white Indian health inspector who we are still in a position to blackmail…"

"Bones you're a miracle worker!" exclaimed Jim

"Well I don't know about that…but hey what do ya know. I finally get the last word!"


End file.
